part two

So the study required me to gain a lot of weight (which I am still trying to lose) in order for the cancer to feast on fat not organs. It was a very specific diet and I did everything that was required of me (although at times not without griping). I graduated from an interpreting program, took my state exam and just kept living life one day at a time. Wondering what my life was to hold and why I was still here, although excited that I had met many of my goals and more days were still coming.

We had a guest speaker at our church and he asked people to go down for prayer on healing but as I told you before I had long since gotten over the need to be healed instead my desire was to be whole and joyful (as much as possible in the moment) and so I went down to the alter aside from the speaker who is from Sri Lanka (SP) and I prayer for life with a teenager, a young boy that would be a teen and for my interpreting skills and God’s dreams for what I was to become and do with that blessing. I could definitely feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, I was burning hot even sweating and crying and praying and then I got ready to go back to my seat when I could no longer walk (remember the tumor in my spine) well I cried harder and harder and my neighbor came down to pray with me thinking I was melting down (which looking back I think maybe I was, I knew this was a possibility, but I was in denial enough that I never truly thought this was going to happen). The heat sensation continued and I told her and finally by the time the prayer was over I was able to get enough strength to walk back to my seat (shaking ferociously but walking). See my husband was home building a fence to our new house so our Yorkie wouldn’t be eaten (again) by the neighborhood German Shepard. I stayed through the service which was phenomenal and after it was over I asked my friend have you ever felt anything like this before, she said, “yes, a few times” I thought man I better start hanging out with her more often. I felt renewed, still scared and shaky and new I had to go tell the doctor and I had my neighbor follow me home in case it happened again (although looking back driving was probably a bad idea). Anyway, I told my husband all about what happened I cried, and for the first time in a long time I was scared. Really scared. I had a weird peace but still the idea of no longer walking was a lot for me to grasp.

So, Monday I gave my blood like I always did (I had landed a job at an area school that was everything I dreamed it would be, and part-time to boot) I still had to go on Friday and Monday mornings to give blood to see the counts and see where I was with the treatments etc. There had up to this point been no significant changes, the floating tumors were gone but the rest was still there although in places a little less dense. So, Tuesday morning I received a call from my doctor in the OKC area telling me the courier had lost my blood and I needed to go back to the hospital and give again. I explained I had just started this job I would go Friday but it seemed to be that was sufficient. He disagreed, threatened me with hospice so I went in. Then he called and asked for me to come to the city for x-rays on Saturday. I did all of the above, by Friday they (him and the man from Texas were here) they began running tons of tests and told me that things were strange, they didn’t elaborate much except they told me my blood work appeared to be completely normal and where I had been given bone taps I was never suppose to heal from I no longer appeared to have holes or possibly a tumor was covering that (I was thinking must be bone cancer) I went through that for a week. Not sharing with a soul because I didn’t want to scare or get the hopes up of anyone in my family in case they were wrong. I knew they were searching for many answers. I missed a whole week of work telling my husband I was going so he wouldn’t wonder why I was so sore and tired at the end of the day and I wouldn’t disappoint him if more were wrong.

Okay, so here my friends is the great part. September 28th (the speaker was there at church September 19th) I received yet another call at my work on my cell it was my doctor. He asked if I was sitting down and I said yes, (but I was still walking to the next class) he said are you sure his voice was excited yet shaky I said yes but I need to go so what did you call me for this time? Knowing in my heart my Father was with me and I would be okay no matter what he said. He continued to tell me that it appeared that I no longer had cancer, I was WELL! I said WHAT? What does well mean? Do you realize how many things I didn’t deal with because I was going to die and now you tell me I am going to live and I am going to live WELL? What is WELL? I had never thought about it because I felt so blessed to just have life. I still cry when I say it. He said not only are you well but all the bone taps that leave little holes just normal they are all solid again, every count falls in the exact middle of the normal range as close as science can detect. I was going to live and I was going to live REALLY! This meant no more fear of illness, or a paper cut that could cause me to bleed to death because of low platelets. I could scrapbook again, take care of my kids when they were sick, go shopping without a mask on to keep from getting germs. Christmas shopping at the malls not in catalogs I could have what everyone had been calling a “normal life” again. I came home I called my neighbor and told her to drive to my house when she got off not home and she did and she screamed I had already called my mother, my sister and my husband to tell him I had news for him after work. It was amazing. IT IS AMAZING!!!! God healed me. The best part was when my doctor said the good news is I believe you were healed without a doubt, there is no other explanation that is the good news, the bad news is the doctor from the study thinks he is GOD! We laughed it just didn’t matter. The study doctor was angry because I didn’t follow the process of getting well he still believes the cancer has merely moved it isn’t gone. I know better and I have been well two years this coming September. I saw my son start school get almost every award possible this year and my daughter will soon get her drivers license the dance I wanted to see was as great as I thought it would be. I have talked to her about her first love and even gone through tough things with them but I am alive and well and our God is a healing God, he is so good. He didn’t do it the way I thought or the time I thought but the bottom line is he did it in his own perfect way. I still keep my goals short because we all should; I try to think positive although if you read all my blogs you see sometimes I don’t. Still I know I am here today because God said I would be.
That is my story! Thanks for the encouragement I got this weekend about telling it and thanks for reading through this long drawn out message and know that I am a living breathing testimony of God’s power. When you doubt or wonder if he will take you through it know that he will and his way is better than we ever thought possible! AMEN!

Testimony begins

Healing

Okay so I promised I would write my little testimony about the gift I received from God and I never once said it would be short, but I will give the condensed version and if you want the longer story you will have to meet up with me someday.

When I was about 25 (I say "about" because I can’t give away my real age) anyway I had left my husband who had battered me for a long time and gotten into the best physical shape I had ever been in. I don’t know if I was the thinnest I had ever been but I was healthy and felt great. I taught preschool and one day a rambunctious little girl was very angry and she kicked me, she kicked me so hard I was stunned. A couple weeks later the bruise didn’t go away and it was draining (I thought) down my leg, around my ankle forming a bigger bruise than I had ever seen. I decided I must be a little anemic (understand I didn’t have insurance or even enough money to pay my water bill often). I was renting my parents house and often not mailing money because I didn’t have it. This story will explain that for sure.

Okay so I go to the doctor who later calls and says I need to see a specialist. I explained it took me a couple weeks to have enough money to pay for the visit I made for them I certainly could not afford to go back in especially to a specialist. Making a long story short they thought the bruise was possibly more serious then that. After the help from a friend I found a good doctor who told me it was possible I had cancer although he would rather not run tests until he was sure I had insurance (his name can’t be mentioned I would never want a Godly man like that to be in trouble for saving my life). I got insurance (sort of) it wasn’t great I didn’t work for a big company it was a small one, the co-pays, deductibles etc basically left me bankrupt and I didn’t even have money to pay my parents (they didn’t know because I didn’t want to worry them so I didn’t tell them where my money was going, little did I know the thoughts of where that might be was probably worse than if I had told them) they were across the country I didn’t want to worry them I couldn’t tell them I had cancer. Kidney cancer I hid it until an ex-fiancé’ accidentally told them I had been having chemo. I did recover from that after some very aggressive treatment.

I got well, married my husband who adopted my daughter and he paid off what debts I had from that last cancer, although my doctor waived whatever he could that didn’t cost him. He has been amazing. Still my right kidney was never quite the same. Anyway, we were married and decided to have my son, the doctor encouraged us to wait the full five years, but I told him I was old, with the chemo and my age were all factors on if I could even get pregnant I was leaving it in God’s hands and he would decide when. I had my son about 9 ½ months later. The greatest decision of my life be sure. Except a 9 month period without treatment wasn’t a great idea and on his first birthday I received my first treatment for CML (Leukemia). We treated it aggressive also and when Gleevec(sp) came out I went into remission although with leukemia they call you cured. This was a short 4 years after the first bout with cancer. Anyway, I was doing great. Still, going in for check ups but they were far apart and life seemed great. We had a few issues of course between the cancer and my insecurities not knowing who I truly was in Christ, and my husband felt un-loved so he had an affair. I found out and believe it or not the depression from that was far worse then the cancer had ever been. I couldn’t seem to get out of it long enough to get my life together. I was in counseling and that helped but it hurt. Condensing again, I started feeling badly, couldn’t stay awake, (thought it was depression so I didn’t say anything to anyone) then the infamous itching that only a cancer victim knows started and there was that platelet thing being so low I bled out the pores of my skin. I called the doctor again. It was sure enough cancer one last time. This time they called is CUPS (cancer of unknown source) it was worse then ever. I had it in my pancreas, liver, kidney and tumors throughout my whole body. There was a spot in my spine that was so big fluid wasn’t flowing. I had so much organ damage from past chemo that it just wasn’t an option. He told me all I could do was pray. He said prayer is good though he is only a doctor and that God would have the answer ultimately as to what would happen. Best case 6 months and that was really optimistic. He did some checking and said to go to a treatment center and see if I met the criteria for a study they were doing on Pancreas cancer. So, I packed up my family for our last vacation that we would ever take together and we went to Galveston and then to Houston and I did meet the criteria only since it was solely for pancreas it probably wasn’t going to do much except extend my life. I would not live and that needed to be clear.

I planned my funeral, I asked my best friend to sing and sign to songs to my kids, I took my sister to see my gravesite. I told everyone and of course I prayed relentlessly. However, I was already living a miracle. I had no right kidney function left, my liver was down to 3% I believe and my pancreas they didn’t say much about except that they couldn’t see function. I was truly a walking dead women. Every time I went in they couldn’t believe I was still alive. I later was entered into a new study with an affiliate to a cancer treatment center I am not sure I am allowed to say where so I will leave that out since it is a study. I know above might have told you a little, but this man was outside the hospital. I was able to get on his study but it was in the very beginning stages and there was little to no hope. It was a matter of time. I quit going to churches that prayed for my healing because walking and talking was the miracle I was supposed to have. I pursued my degree and agreed when I was too sick I would no longer go and stay with my family. My goals were short term, shoe tying, first dances, maybe school for my youngest. I did things I never thought I would because I want my kids to know they can persevere through anything. (another long story goes along with how I did that wrong later) J

So, a few years later I was still kicking and the rest of this is to be continued because this is way to long today already, I will finish tomorrow, but know it is a happy ending after all I am typing this aren’t I?

Faithful God

It is Tuesday and Monday went unbelievable well. I do have to confess
though I didn't get a quiet time in the word. I prayed and I sent up
praises but I feel very bad about it. See I went to the doctor thinking
I would be having surgery on a kidney stone that passed on the way
there. God is so good and so is his timing even when I remain a little
less than dedicated at times. I just talk to him so frequently
throughout the day sometimes I don't stop and get into the word. Still,
he is faithful.

I wonder how I would feel if he didn't show up for my prayers or
songs of worship? That's rhetorical of course because I know I would
feel lousy. I would be disappointed and wonder how a loving God could
be so heartles and yet I do it to him sometimes. Yes, I am sorry and I
try not to let it happen often but once is too much.

My goal is to stay so focused I can't forget to see him in the word.
I don't forget birth control (or didn't when I needed it) so I won't
forget to give God that time anymore. I want my kids to know the first
minutes in a day should be spent with the Lord. I know we all have
different times in the day but I want to give God my everything and that
means the morning for me I am at my best.

The trip

We went to KC this weekend to meet other bloggers that we have never met. It was a great time. For several reasons; first, I love it because we got to talk with other women and it is so easy for women to talk about anything; next, I love hearing other people talk about their relationships with the Lord; and third it gave me a chance to share my testimony on healing. After a lot of encouragment I have decided to share that here. Sorry guys, not today because it is a little long and I have a not so patient 9 year old wanting to play before I go to the doctor ands ee about having a kidney stone removed. But this week for sure.

I loved the way I got away and did something with my sister, met new people and just saw new things. I love the way women can laugh and make others laugh without even trying it is a great feeling. I will be reflecitng on the different peoples, things, and perspectives for months and I think it will always bring a smile to my face. I appreciate the way everyone was as excited as I was about being there and having faces with names. Many of them now know why my blog name is Love to Chat! Because quite simply I do love it. I can do it with my mouth and my hands and of course in my head and no, I am not talking about the other voices in my head I am talking about to the Lord.

It gave me a break from home stressed and gave me a chance to realize there is laugher out there in the world we just have to remember to seek it out. It was an amazing time thanks everyone for going and hopefully we will have the chance to do this in other places sometime so we can meet more fellow bloggers. Have a great Monday. Not just average, or okay I got through it but make it a great day!

Thursday

It is the almost weekend and I went to marriage counseling yesterday, the good news is my husband showed this time. The bad news is the weekend hasn’t even arrived I will be gone a lot of it yet I already feel WEAK-END I am so glad God is going to take care of me because I feel like I can’t do it anymore at all. I can continue because it is what we do but I feel like I don’t even know anything for certain anymore other than that God does love me and he shows up when I think there is no hope left.

Why do I feel so sad, I guess because since it was our first appointment together I had to relive so many of the sad times. You know how people used to ask if you could go back to anytime in your life when would it be? Well, I have always said I thought 21 but I realized yesterday no more. I am way to young I want to move forward in fast forward. As kids we always wished for the next year the next age then we got older and wanted to slow down. Not me I want to move forward faster then ever I am so ready to rest in my Father’s arms and praise him and forget all of this turmoil on earth. I hate it. I hate all the stuff our flesh and other people’s flesh takes us through.

Depressing I know but not really because the ultimate peace isn’t depressing it is what brings me hope and the courage to teach my kids go on because our life here is short and heaven is going to be our reward for the things we go through here. Perfect peace that is what I will dream of tonight to get me to Friday! Thank you God for the things yet to come!

Who am I?

Who am I? I know I'm a child of God. A wife, a mother, an interpreter
for the Deaf, I'm a daughter, sister, friend, role model to some and a
stranger to others. Why is it I have so many titles and still can't
find myself.

I know that if I was the only person alive I would have been enough
for God to send Jesus but yet when it comes to walking in the present I
am lost and confused today. I am changing daily and I'm trying to
embrace it but sometimes the options however limited or unlimited seem
too much to know where to begin.

Is it just me or does everyone struggle with the thoughts of, I know
who I am in God but this flesh person is clueless as to what is what and
who is who and in a world of millions I feel alone, yet always with
someone. I'm as confused as my thoughts today.

Obedience

Okay, I want to start by saying and time we are not obeying we all know that really means we are disobeying. That was said in church this last weekend and I know I knew it but for some reason it seemed to hit me just right. (yes, wrong too because sometimes I am not the best at obedience, that must be where my kids get it but don't tell their daddy).

Anyway, years ago I kept telling my husband we should get more involved in church and we did we started teaching in the children church (ages 4-5) and we did once a month for over a year, along with helping out in other areas and joining a couples Bible study. The lady who headed childrens church never learned our names until one day when she thought we forgot to do something then miraculously she remembered. I had already been dis-content in the childrens ministry but for so long I had thought I wanted to be a teacher that I knew it must be my calling and I needed to be obedient. Still I didn't I left there not the church but the nursery and let me say the preacher's son that was in our class was the test of my faith in all time. (or so I thought until yesterday).

Yesterday, I worked in the VBS at our church (mainly because my son has major insecurity issues right now) and I have sense learned my gift is mercy not teaching or children's church. Not only that but I went into a field that people are quiet (which as much as we love them we know children never are, until they are teens when we beg them to talk again). Anyway, there was a child there last night that was out fo control. Cute albeit, but crazy hyper adn threw fits on the floor etc. I knew at that moment why that other child had been in my life, to prepare me for this new challenge (oh yes and my marriage at the moment too). It often feels like that is what my husband is doing during this time). Anyway, this kids ran wild and I felt like I was going crazy. I was glad that I wasn't really called to that ministry because it allowed me to have more patience (knowing it is only a week) and it allowed me to appreciate my kids more.

As I watched this child I thought to myself is that how I appear to God when I am not getting what I have been praying for that maybe I think was due last week or last year? Do I lose my obedience because I think it should be my way. Worse do I do it anyway thinking God just hasn't gotten around to it so I will fix it? Am I trusting God the way he calls me too? I know now I don't want to appear to God the way that crazy little boy appeared to me. I want to be obedient when I don't know the when, where or how things are going to happen but simply because I have been taught to do that. Thank you God for helping me through my immaturity and please help me continue to grow. I will try to be the child you created me to be and I will stop trying to hurry you along not allowing your work to be completed in me or in others.

Manic monday

I'm a little later than usual today I had a mommy/son morning. He mows
the neighbors yard on Monday and I watch and cheer him on. See he is
only 9 and his dedication is amazing. Anyway, then we ran to the
grocery store for a minute to return and I watched him do his next job,
water another neighbors flower and feeding the birds. He then said hang
on I don't rush off I like too see some birds come and how happy the
food and fresh water makes them. He talked and I listened I love his
ability to share his thoughts and feelings for as we know this is not a
typical male trait. Hate to sterotype guys but lets face it men were
not born to talk.

So, I realized how nice it was to share these moments with him no
rushing and when he was finished doing his jobs he said being outside
doesn't really seem like work does it mom. Truth is on most days
listening to him is more work then those chores but it is his positive
atitude that I was loving. He can always brighten a day, God really
uses Blake to keep me focused on lifes blessings.

I have two great kids, they both make me nuts but at the end of the
day the good is always more than the bad. God, is so good to us.
Always reminding us in subtle ways how much we have.

The weekend was okay with Kevin and God is strengthening me
everyday. I used to avoid praying for strength, but what I have
realized is it isn't me being stroing it is actually be growing stronger
in my ability to trust him. That makes it seem like it isn't strength
at all. Just like Blake's work when I know it is good and see what he
is doing it isn't really work at all. I also had someone at church give
me a word Sunday. She said, "the Lord wants you to know you aren't
forgotten on a shelf he knows where you are you are not alone, find
peace and comfort in knowing that he loves you, is in control and that
you are not alone or forgotten he is with you." It was so awesome.
Therefore I knew no matter what Kevin did to me God was holding my hand
I knew that but it was great to hear it from the Lord, see this girl
doesn't know me or my situation so I saw how great it is to bless others
with the words God gives you. I am praying I don't have to leave K but
I know that I can't stand in Gods way either and I really am going to be
okay. Bare with me sometimes my emotions still get me but I'm just
growing in the Lord everyday like everyone else and sometimes I learn a
little slower and I need repetition. Sorry guys!

Finally Friday

I this the weekend again. Lord, help me to be strong like the weeds I try to pull from the flower bed, but as beautiful as the flowers. Help me to be like the sunshine and brighten the lives around me. Then Lord, help me to remember you love me even if I don't do these things. Thanks you God! You are my sunshine!

It is long but I need blogger help today!

Okay, so I know marriage is supposed to be like Christ's relationship with the church. That is the goal I get that. I get that if my hubby is lined up biblically submission is good. I can even do that. It is everything else that has be stumped.
I know the other stuff is fleshly and I shouldn't even get caught up in it but the bottom line is I am at times. I hate when people know what Kevin has done and tell me you are a fool he will do it again, once maybe not but twice it is so happening again. Are you a glutten for punishment? The reason he does it is free will and he says he doesn't know why he did it except people who know him can't love him because they know he isn't that great. (WRONG, when he isn't cheating he really is that great). He isn't perfect but who is I'm not either. Still he is darn near, at least in my eyes. I am able to look past all the imperfection and see the love God has for him. He really cares which is why often he reacts like he does he cares so much he is afraid he wil get hurt or hurt someone he loves and so he does it anyway. Only, he is so cute with his eyes and the heart of GOD I know he has I don't want to leave, but I don't want to let the affairs continue to happen either.

So here is the question for today.

What is an affair or infidelity or adultery whatever you want to call it?

Too me it is a relationship with another thing or person (other than God) more than you have with your spouse. It can be a job, a person, an internet relationship, sexual events etc. An affair can be an addiction to a substance. Let me tell you I am interested in what others think because K and I are far apart on this definition. I need clarity and right now I am not getting it. I know lust can even be an affair. Also, I want to know what all you people in blogdon think is the right thing to do.

I know God's opinion is the only one that can influence me but I am feeling crazy and want ot hear what others say. See I mourned a new part of my marriage today (even though we are doing okay right now) I was reflecting about how the first time I found out he was unfaithful I really thought I would die, I called my counselor and asked if I could sit in her office until she could see me because I was finding it hard to breathe. I thought maybe I had stuck my finger in a light socket or something, I weighed 500 pounds in my chest I couldn't eat, sleep and really honestly breathing was extremely hard. I thought if I didn't die physically I would surely end up in the hospital for the rest of my life. (Cancer almost did that too me) I was excited for the cancer because it meant the pain would stop. Finally after I got really real with God from anger to repentence(SP) I began to heal, but the pain at times would creep in and I would give it to my father after a few tears of course(God could flood the world with my tears alone in his hand) but he healed me first of the affair I thought, then the cancer, then he really healed me of the affair parts I didn't deal with since I was dying. Anyway, this time when it happened and it wasn't physical I merely thought to myself.."I knew it was coming, he didn't deal with what caused it the first time and I knew it would happen again, God help me through it again and give me guidance." So the mourning came this morning when I realized it didn't hurt like the first time, I didn't think I was dying I hate it and what it all represents and it is going to be a healing process but it wasn't devastating. What does that say about me and my marriage and this mess I am in? How do I feel. Pray for me and K because I am so sadden by this loss I never want to think a affair is coming and I didn't focus on it but I guess I must have subconsciously filed it away because it is there. What does it mean and don't you think it is sad too? I am married still but I have lost a part of this marriage that scares me. I love him so much is that okay? What does all this mean?
On that note I guess I will go back to the word and get some God answers as well. Have a great Thursday!

It is Wednesday and life is great. I don't have anything amazing going on but I do have a wonderful family (yes even Kevin, although he isn't always nice) but they are wonderful. They bless me with their smiles, their words, their love and their amazing endurance in believing God is with us.
My son will get up in a few minutes and go play a game of baseball in his make believe world and he will look just like he is playing for the major leaguers. He has an imagination that has to be a gift form God. He will play all the parts on the field and he will do them all well. He will show me what childhood energy can be like. He will ask me to watch and although I think I am too busy he will kindly remind me that I am going to miss a once in a lifetime chance to see his invisible team play this other invisible team and it could make history. How can I refuse an invitation like that.
Then hours later my daughter will rise. She has the gift to be able to sleep through anything and not worry about what she misses out on. She knows that although the early bird gets the worm she can have pizza until midnight. She is so laid back and doesn't let the rush of life destroy any of her day. Makes me crazy sometimes, but I know it is a gift. She won't invite me into her world especially not her room but that is a gift too because I do let things get to me and that place she sleeps is one of them. :) I guess getting up so late there is not time to trouble yourself with a little cleaning. I am sure she will not ever have heart problems because she doesn't worry. For that I am also thankful.
I will work out, watch my son mow the neighbors and his game. Feed my daughter eventually and just be thankful for the things God has given me today. I hope today can make great memories doing everyday things.

The haircut

Okay my sister is always making comparisons which is what is leading to this blog. My son went to get his haircut. I always knew with a girl this would be a battle ground but with a boy I never thought there was that much to choose from. I thought eventually my little man would maybe want to grow it longer but the style itself shouldn't be abig deal (especially since he has straight hair I didn't think there were too many options) understand I have hair almost like Shirley Temple and in the right humidity maybe worse. Anyway, he doesn't mind getting it cut per say but it is the fact he has to leave home and go do it at the shop when it wastes perfectly good outside time. He wants to shave it bald he said. I asked why and he said because I like it and you don't have to come as often. Thankfully I was able to talk him into more of a buzz (he didn't want to shine his head or burn it during all that outside time).

However, getting his haircut caused me to reflect on how that too is like our lives. We go in and they cut off all the out of shape hair or the hair that is unruly or even just give us a new look. The old hair being areas in our life that need God's touch and when we leave we feel better and look better , like when we leave church or quiet time etc. We go in thinking we know exactly what wewant but often times God changes that desire or gives us something he knows will look better in our lives. By the way I am much more forgiving of God when he does what he wants then I am of a hairdresser who thinks she can pick what she wants for me. Anyway, just a thought.

The haircut

Okay my sister is always making comparisons which is what is leading to this blog. My son went to get his haircut. I always knew with a girl this would be a battle ground but with a boy I never thought there was that much to choose from. I thought eventually my little man would maybe want to grow it longer but the style itself shouldn't be abig deal (especially since he has straight hair I didn't think there were too many options) understand I have hair almost like Shirley Temple and in the right humidity maybe worse. Anyway, he doesn't mind getting it cut per say but it is the fact he has to leave home and go do it at the shop when it wastes perfectly good outside time. He wants to shave it bald he said. I asked why and he said because I like it and you don't have to come as often. Thankfully I was able to talk him into more of a buzz (he didn't want to shine his head or burn it during all that outside time).

However, getting his haircut caused me to reflect on how that too is like our lives. We go in and they cut off all the out of shape hair or the hair that is unruly or even just give us a new look. The old hair being areas in our life that need God's touch and when we leave we feel better and look better , like when we leave church or quiet time etc. We go in thinking we know exactly what wewant but often times God changes that desire or gives us something he knows will look better in our lives. By the way I am much more forgiving of God when he does what he wants then I am of a hairdresser who thinks she can pick what she wants for me. Anyway, just a thought.

The haircut

Okay my sister is always making comparisons which is what is leading to this blog. My son went to get his haircut. I always knew with a girl this would be a battle ground but with a boy I never thought there was that much to choose from. I thought eventually my little man would maybe want to grow it longer but the style itself shouldn't be abig deal (especially since he has straight hair I didn't think there were too many options) understand I have hair almost like Shirley Temple and in the right humidity maybe worse. Anyway, he doesn't mind getting it cut per say but it is the fact he has to leave home and go do it at the shop when it wastes perfectly good outside time. He wants to shave it bald he said. I asked why and he said because I like it and you don't have to come as often. Thankfully I was able to talk him into more of a buzz (he didn't want to shine his head or burn it during all that outside time).

However, getting his haircut caused me to reflect on how that too is like our lives. We go in and they cut off all the out of shape hair or the hair that is unruly or even just give us a new look. The old hair being areas in our life that need God's touch and when we leave we feel better and look better , like when we leave church or quiet time etc. We go in thinking we know exactly what wewant but often times God changes that desire or gives us something he knows will look better in our lives. By the way I am much more forgiving of God when he does what he wants then I am of a hairdresser who thinks she can pick what she wants for me. Anyway, just a thought.

The haircut

Okay my sister is always making comparisons which is what is leading to this blog. My son went to get his haircut. I always knew with a girl this would be a battle ground but with a boy I never thought there was that much to choose from. I thought eventually my little man would maybe want to grow it longer but the style itself shouldn't be abig deal (especially since he has straight hair I didn't think there were too many options) understand I have hair almost like Shirley Temple and in the right humidity maybe worse. Anyway, he doesn't mind getting it cut per say but it is the fact he has to leave home and go do it at the shop when it wastes perfectly good outside time. He wants to shave it bald he said. I asked why and he said because I like it and you don't have to come as often. Thankfully I was able to talk him into more of a buzz (he didn't want to shine his head or burn it during all that outside time).

However, getting his haircut caused me to reflect on how that too is like our lives. We go in and they cut off all the out of shape hair or the hair that is unruly or even just give us a new look. The old hair being areas in our life that need God's touch and when we leave we feel better and look better , like when we leave church or quiet time etc. We go in thinking we know exactly what wewant but often times God changes that desire or gives us something he knows will look better in our lives. By the way I am much more forgiving of God when he does what he wants then I am of a hairdresser who thinks she can pick what she wants for me. Anyway, just a thought.

Second Best

I have been struggling with Kevin for some time now, and I think I am beginning to see one place I went wrong. I had God in second place to my husband. If he wanted to go to church I went, if he didn’t I didn’t. If he came in during my quiet time I stopped, kissed him and gave that time that should have been God’s to him.
I feel really bad, but thankfully I have a forgiving God and things will be okay. The thing is how I realized it is because Kevin’s free will has allowed him to place me below second or third I am after his work, his girlfriend, himself and so on. I am not even sure I am on his list. Yet when I try to give him his space he tells me it hurts him when he comes home and I want to do something. I hate when I see bad behavior coming from someone else and realize it was also mine at some point. What do I do? I am a little confused today.
I am making sure God gets his time first and I am doing better emotionally but I miss my other friend, the one I married who has always been there. How do we go through the motions knowing that our best friend who we would have gone to at one time is now the problem and we have other friends but it is scary to trust again. I know all the biblical answers but today I still feel sad for my friend.
Don’t get me wrong God is fulfilling me but there is still a void where he used to be. Just pray I will be fine, thanks to a loving Father I always am. I hope that I never let God be second best in my life again.

Changes

Life is ever changing and although I am grateful for that I must admit change is not my favorite thing in the world. As a matter of fact it used to be the one thing I detested more than life itself. I am learning as I mature in Christ and in life that change is inevitable and even a good thing sometimes. It helps me not to become complacent in my walk and in my parenting.
Often in Oklahoma they say if you don’t like the weather wait a minute it will change and that has proven a multitude of times to be accurate. I guess that in and of itself change is one of the small things that have allowed me and taught me to be grateful for change. I mean 30 some odd days of over 100 degree heat stinks (literally depending on who you are with) and so change with a little cloud cover, cool breeze or rain is a good thing. That started me taking baby steps towards change.
Now as I get up to see another God given day through I can be thankful that change occurs, I grow sometimes and sometimes people around me do, but no matter what the change is something God gives me as a gift so I won’t get stuck in the mundane. First, I became a mom to a beautiful little girl, who grew and things changed I decided I wanted another baby and this time I got the most precious baby boy and although parenting was somewhat the same it was still a change from the past experiences. Each time I go through a change like this or any other I know I am maturing or at least trying too and so today I will be thankful for change!
I pray my attitude reflects the love of Christ no matter what kind of change I am enduring and that I bless those around me. I pray God continues to soften my heart even though it may get battered at times I am thankful to have it and to be able to feel his love for me. Let change bless me not stifle me and to know that the change isn’t stifling me it is my attitude towards it I will looks past the obstacles and find the blessings. AMEN! Be blessed change brings good things.

Cloudy day

Well here we are in June and it is a cloudy day. The kind of day that makes you want to sleep through the entire thing. You know it can bring storms (even tornados in our part of the world) still rest seems like the best thing to do. I am hoping as life continues I can feel this relaxed when lifes storms hit. You know seeing the clouds coming and yet still being at peace, remembering what I said last week that there is already a way out before the storm hit. Jesus is after all my Tornado shelter. He is way more dependable then spider filled storm shelter in the ground, or in a safe room that isn't neccessarily safe they are saying these days. Besides as I said yesterday the tornado already hit it was that 15 almost 16 year old girl I gave birth too. There is no shelter from her as a matter of fact at times I am called to shelter her. UGH! Who would have thought. :) She is a blessing but a messy one. I know God will heal her from it because he did me and I was the worst when I was younger.

Anyway, needless to say God gave me another child who is borderline OCD and so his room is clean and his life is in order so much that sleeping in wasn't an option. We need to get up after all and not miss out on another God created day. Why waste it sleeping is his thought. We got the paper and the front page article was 6.6.6 the mark of the beast. They were talking about is it true or is it a myth and how people will go about life today etc. I was appalled we can't talk about God but we can do a full page article on Satan. Sad world sometimes. Still we kept right on trucking through this morning. He has great plans for us (yes God, but also my 10 year old) he wants to go to the Bass Pro shop and see fish feeding etc. He wants to do everything except what needs to be done in my world. Which is okay I guess for a day because how can I resist those beautiful blue eyes saying can't we just have one day without even housework? He inspires me to get up on days that I would much rather rest and do nothing, with him slothfulness will never be a sin I commit. LOL! When he doesn't want me to do something there are things I have to do for him or the family. Don't get me wrong I love it but sometimes being a sloth doesn't seem so bad.
So, I will close here and hopefully become creative before tomorrow's blog and go spend the day exploring what boys do all day. Making this day just another God filled day with a bad name 6-6-06. Thank you Lord that we don't have to fear anything that comes today because you are the winner. When Satan reminds me of my past I will remind him of his future. That you God for making that possible.

God is Good

Church was so good this weekend, as usual I am grateful to be loved
by my father. I made it through without feeling WEAK at all. My father
faithfully loved me and showed me I was loved through it all. I'm
learning to depend more on him and less on people every single day.
My daughter went to her birth father's this weekend. My husband
adopted her years ago but we agreed if she wanted to see him she could
so she is spending the week there. I decided to do a deep spring
cleaning on her room, it took 6 hours so far, and I am not done yet. I
am surprised she could even find her way out daily because it was a
disaster. Then I began to think, it reminds me of life.
Our life gets piled up with stuff and once and a while we have to go
and clean out the junk. In the in between times we do okay if we trust
God will all that stuff but he calls us not to leave life undone but to
clean out the bad stuff. Then, we look and we realize we trusted him to
take care of a lot more than we knew and shouldn't have let it build
like that to begin with. One thing at a time is much easier. I pray
god keeps me aware of my issues one at a time instead of major trauma
from not being faithful to leave it at throne each day.

WEEKENDS!

Why is it right now when Friday arrives I feel WEAK-END? As a kid it was an exciting time and we couldn’t wait to sleep in and enjoy the lazy days and now I feel like UGH! I mean I enjoy the extra time to chat with the hubby. Still, I feel worn down and just as I get used to the extra people and stuff then work starts again for most of them? I pray God you can keep my spirits up and people will continue to pray for K and I so we can grow in you a little more each day. My attitude is right I think I am just a little weary. I think I will go read the word and lay down with my Father and his promises to me! Everyone have a great weekend! Make it the good kind. Everything is a choice right?! I chose to enjoy this weekend!

Hey everyone one last thought, for a few days Kevin was praying and getting in the word with me but the last two he stopped again and was defensive. Please continue to pray for a hedge of protection and if anyone hears from the Voice (because he is a man) please tell him I am requesting his help on what a woman can do to show her man that she loves him. I know that God has to help him accept it, but men know what men like. So tell him to stop by here and give me any little doses of love that he knows! Thaks, have a great weekend and thank you for the prayers and support we are gonna make it I know it is just so hard! My mom never said life would be easy, and she said marriage would be difficult, but she never said it would be this difficult!!!

germs

You know that our society is so crazy about being germ free right?! Well what if we take that concept into our christian walk? For example, sin, fear, anger, sadness all the things that don't come from God arae the germs. Then we go to The Father, Son and Holy Spirit (they represent sink, water and soap) and we get cleansed from it. Actually picture those germs whichever we are dealing with this day and wash it away and the water is of course the perfect love that he gives us. He is cleansing us.
I certainly need it today because, I know that Satan is trying to attack me. We have been doing so well together then suddenly today it feels like my husband is not with me in heart, soul or spirit. Still I know that my faith and security is coming from God and I will make it through this day and not only that be blessed because I have. I will go to his sink and BATHE in it so I can be totally clean of the lies Satan is telling me today.
The storms came in this morning and I am talking about the weather and I guess his behavior followed that pattern, but it doesn't mean I have to be germ covered I can wash off and feel good tonight when I go to bed. Thank you Jesus for the many luxuries that you provide.
Stay clean today everyone and under his covering you will also dry off. Life is good!