It's the little things

The Lord has really been helping me to develop character and be thankful for the little things that are happening right now as I have said several times here lately (and no I am not repeating it to convinve myself, although I have done that before). I am amazed at the things taht have happened in the past few days since this came to light.
Sunday Kevin didn't want to go to church, but he said he would for me. I told his I wish he would go for god but just going was good enough for me. The Lord of course met him at the door. His favorite praise and worship team was singing, he was immediately more open to the day because of that. Then, he went to the alter and one of our elders went to pray with him, where he cried. God was definitely moving. I got on my knees at my seat and thanked God for every little thing. Later taht day when I asked he said he was glad he went but that nothing had changed for us. We were still not going to go anywhere in our relationship. The Holy Spirit reminded me it doesn't matter because even if you can't make it as a couple his relationship with Christ is the most important thing. Later that night he came and we finally began to talk, with weeping, affection and just honesty and love. (PTL!) I actually found myself grateful in the fact that although this whole thing he and done was wrong he wasn't physical with her and that mattered. (Trust me this is God because in my flesh I was not even okay with that) I an not saying it wasn't wrong just that the small things matter.

Monday was another day and he had gone all weekend without his work computer and (blackberry) connections I thought he would probably be getting moody and I was still scared about his contact, this girl after all works for him. Anyway, he kept talking and he said little things that gave me hope in him as well as the Lord. I knew the Lord was still growing that seed that he planted Sunday. He asked if I wanted to go to the store with him, he was kind, he was loving and of course gorgeous because when I see Christ in him he is awfully hard to resist. We spent more time throughout the day talking and crying and healing. (Beginning to heal we have a long way to go) When we got in the car to go to teh store there wasn't anymore discussions about how I can't or won't listen to "rock-n-roll" he found some of his favorite Christian CD's and played them. Then in the store I heard him humming some of those songs. I was so grateful to God again because this has been a major point of contention between us. Plus, I was remembering the man I fell in love with in everything he said and did. I told him Monday night to pray for me because accepting him going to work Tuesday would be painful, however, I reminded him it wasn't his job to get me through but that my security would come from the Lord. I asked him if he was going to tell me again in the morning like he has everyday since this started that he doesn't see any changes in us and he thinks it is hopeless although he is trying, he said no that he thought we are on the right path again and he felt good about it. He also, invited me to have lunch (YIPPEEE) see he told me when this began I could no longer come to his work it wasn't my place, so this was huge!!! I told him I would be honored, and on that we went to bed. (Another praise, I slept!!! I mean I really slept in the peace that God has been giving me it was great).

Tuesday he did take me to lunch, he then invited me to help him move into his new office, he told me he needed my help. (He hates that word, he says it is a four letter word) He came home and got me after work and we went back up there to get him organized like he wanted. He was so cute! I love how he looks at work. We had a great night only to be finished with a quiet time that he had earlier been reluctant to do. I couldn't believe it, he read the bible with me. The Lord is so good. Then, this morning for the first time in weeks he prayed with me, he didn't simply lay there and let me pray he actually started it and did it the way we always have before. It was incredible. I know we have a long way to go, but all of these little things I know will continue to add up to the big thing that brought us together in the beginning-- GOD! Also, back to our marriage! He had been calling me strike three (s3) to that girl and now he told her we are better and I am more like a homerun and he messed up, that they could no longer talk about anything other than business. Please continue to keep us in your prayers especially him because God needs to heal some old wounds in him so he can grow again.

So after all that let me say I actually have a point to all of this. We can be good in our spiritual walk or we can not be walking in the right spirit. If we aren't it will show and wear us down, eventually catching up to us. We can't have it both ways, it is God's way or not. This is the only area in life (I believe) that there is no gray it is black or white. If you are on a fence with a behavior, an attitude or choices bring it to God and he will carry you through and you will know his way is the only way! Keep praying but send up praises too!

hurry up!

Here it is finally summer and now my son wants to hurry up. All year when school is in we do the hustle and bustle of its late, wake up, get dressed, you have to eat, come on lets get ready. Then, summer hits and the rush is off for at least 3 months and I am so excited, what happens? My son wakes up and says I am hungry, I want to eat can't you hurry and get up I need you to get up with me. He values the summer days because school wastes so many hours in his nine-year-old mind.
It caused me to reflect on is this what I do with God. I mean everyday of our lives are valuable, not just the bright shiny ones. As we travel through struggles and are learning the lessons God has for us and praying the prayers of defeat over Satan, we should be as excited about life as we are on the days that our kids graduate or get their liscenes's etc. Am I guilty of rushing through the lessons to see the sun? When I do am I missing the enjoyment of the clouds. Sure maturing in Christ is hard but we all know it is worth it, we all say so after the lesson is complete.
I am challenging myself this week to embrace everyday, (if you knew how much I am going through you would know this is like fear factor, the great race and survivor all wrapped in one package) still I am going to I am going to embrace it with the Lord so I can bear it for one, but value this too in order to be thankful for everyday in my life. Pray for me because this is a great challenge, but shouldn't we all look forward to the uncomfortable times because we know we are growing and maturing in Christ? I don't know maybe I am in denial, but I am going to try anyway. Have a great Tuesday!

already there

I was reminded of some very important stuff this weekend and I can't wait to share. Let me start by sharing my story. As everyone out there in blogdom knows I have been struggling with my husband for several weeks. I found this weekend that he was having an internet relationship with a girl at work. Thankfully the Lord did reveal it before it went further.

Then Sunday he went to church with me and he said for me, but God was able to work in him. It didn't make much difference for him at first especially, but God was able to show me he was still in control even though my husband doesn't realize it. It was a renewed hope.

Then I was reminded that God has already prepared the door out of every storm we encounter. some storms last an hour, then a day even years at times, but the Lord has already won the battle and in every storm he is there and as the storm that Satan is pouring into our lifes the Holy Spirit is pouring out the covering and blessing that we are promised in the word. He is counter acting everything that we feel is killing us.

I know the storms will come but I know that every storm that will come in my life, God has given me and my husband and family a covering and we are already taken care of even when it seems like we are alone, I know God still loves us and we are going to be okay! Thank God for his faithfulness in a world where it seems that is the unheard of.

We have a long ways to go, but the door of communication is open and i know as a Christian it has to stop (his relationship) but I have laid it at the Lords feet and I am awaiting his command on what to do. I know that we must forgive and keep no account for wrong doing but I also know I am a precious child of God and I can't allow this to continue. Thankfully that long weekend has allowed him to see it too. I am scared, but I know my father is with me and I know I don't need to interfere with what he is doing. God is starting the healing process.

Please pray for both of us and the girls that felt this was okay. It was a mother daughter team and they have been trying for awhile he was weak and he got involved but God knows no one is innocent here. I pray the Lord to protect us, to reveal to us, to care for us, remind us of his love, mercy and forgiveness and we can offer it back. God thank you for who I am in you and please keep control of this situation!

Wrapped Up

You know how when a baby is born we wrap them tight in their blankets because they feel secure like that after being in the womb for 9-months? Well, I wonder when that stops and that tightness becomes suffocating and it brings on panic. When does that change happen? What brings it on?
I don’t think I ever outgrew it. I don’t want to not be able to move, but I want to be held so tight in God’s hand that I never doubt that I am safe. I think the way I stay there is I go to Bible studies, quiet times, with friends, I hug people, go to church and I stay close to what he has for me. I feel like I am safe and secure there. Don’t get me wrong I am okay when I am alone, but I feel safest when I am alone with my Father in some way shape or form.
Still I think moving out of the will of God is because we feel like we are suffocating in his will. We get tired of doing right and feeling walked on, we think it is too hard, it isn’t fun or whatever. What we don’t see is that those things are the blanket that God is wrapping us in to protect us. Right along with that full-armor of God, it protects us.
My goal is to see God’s will as my protection not his controlling me or suffocating me. I want to be excited about what he has and stop looking for something better, because ladies and gentlemen God is as GOOD AS IT GETS! AMEN! I will be content today in my situation. I pray I can bring only honor and blessings to my family!

Gratitude

I interpret in a class where Wednesday is gratitude day. Every week students had to write in their journals and tell 5 things they are thankful for and why. I think the teacher said it came from Oprah. So today I am doing gratitude.

1. I am thankful for my kids and how they bring sunshine to even the darkest times. Without them I am not sure how I would function in my flesh. They bring me growth and stretch me to what I think is beyond my ability and they are the most forgiving creatures on earth. I love those babies and I pray they reap the blessing that they sew into my life everyday I live.
2. I am thankful for summer. I love the sunshine and the way it is a feel good drug for me. I love the time with friends, family and just rest. I don’t rest a lot but the thought that I know I can is worth a million bucks. I love the way the sun makes me look, feel and shines. (I love shiny things)
3. I am thankful for my house. We worked very hard to get it. It isn’t a mansion but it is a home and I am so glad the Lord resides here. I am just happy to have a roof over my head, and the work I did to help get us here.
4. I am thankful for my quiet times. I feel close to God and to my career. I imagine how it must me like to always have that quiet. How peaceful and how amazing those minutes with God can make my day complete. I love my hubby but he doesn’t complete me anymore, Christ does. I want Kevin but more than that I want to be in God’s will. It also reminds me to thank God for the ability to read.
5. I am thankful for friends. I love that I have some I can call in times of crisis for advice and times I can call for a gripe session or to send praise reports up. I am thankful that these people touch my life everyday even when I don’t see them of talk to them. I am thankful that when I feel all-alone and I am with my friend Jesus he sends the person of the hours that will brighten my day.

That is a short list but I guess in case I do this again I should save some. Have a great Wednesday! Be blessed.

He is my sunshine!

I got up this morning after a rather intense evening, arrived in the kitchen to a starving 10 year old boy and found the dirty dishes. UGH! I started rambling about how there is nothing and I mean nothing worse than waking up to dirty dishes...I wasn't yelling just making a statement.
Then his sweet voice (I call him my conscience because his timing is the same as I know the Lord's would be if he were walking on earth today) says to me, "Well, mom not really the worst thing what if you woke up to a tornado, or a horrible fire, or one of us gone missing?" He continue to list the numerous other things that definitely would have been worse then two silly pans. He always knows how to brighten the day. He touches my life everyday with his words, actions and attitudes.
If I think about having a beer, he walks in. If I start to yell his eyes well up with tears. If I yell he tells me I had been doing so good. See he really is here to make me aware. I love how God works through all of the tools he loans us here on earth to speak to us. It doesn't matter yoru shape, size, age he loves you and will use you.

What will God use you for today? Who is speaking into your life and are you listening?

Forgiveness

Yesterday I did something I haven't done in a long time. I went to church and Bible study without my significant other. Sad to some degree yes, but bittersweet in a way as I learn to live alone until he is checked in again. I need God. I get teachings that I need at church. Not to mention the moral support. I have been readding tough love by Dobson and he says not to be mean but also not to cover for a spouse running from God. So I didn't when they asked I said he doesn't feel church is beneficial to him right now, nor is time with God. See he used to be a leader among the men at church they have great respect for him, and this didn't change it. It simply prompted everyone to pray for us, and who doesn't need prayer. I am a little scared of the outcome, because God will take away the things that are blocking Kevin from his time with the Lord and one of those things is work. The job that provides us comfort is also providing stress. Still, I would rather die poor knowing my husband is going to fall back into the covering of the Lord then have a house and things and know his soul became lost. Ugh! Ugly thought

So, when you don't want to go to church, your life is a total mess in the morning and everything that can go wrong does, in my world this means they have something for someone in our house that we HAVE to be there. I drudgingly go sometimes but we make it. Anyway, low and behold it was on forgiveness. Things I knew and I had heard, but things were said in a new way still I wasn't completely sure why we were there when someone had a word from God that made it clear. They said, "chose me now, don't wait don't become busy I am the way. I give you purpose and give you peace. Turn to the people who love you yes, but turn to me God for answers it won't be found in other busy work." Then if that wasn't enough another person had more words but too long to go into. Anyway, I realized my husband was suppose to be there. It is one of the many times he missed what God had for him adn because he can't receive anything from me now I decided not to share. I know God can get the message to him some other time or he will tell me to share.

The day continued and at Bible study people gave testimonies to things that needed to be forgiven in their lives and one was exactly what Kevin and I have been saying. It was our story. The sad thing was he wasn't there again. The good thing is that I heard it and I can find peace in it and use the part that was meant for me. My challenge is to go to him in love and peace in everything I say and do. Also, not to accept his leaving God but to encourage him when I see anything Godly he does. I will work on only pointing out the positive. At first, it may be quiet around here, but remember I am the one looking for small blessings so God will open my eyes to the good. Just the fact he is still coming home is a blessing right now. I pray his heart softens and he figures out what he needs (GOD). In the meantime, here are the top 5 things I love about my mate. In the midst of crisis we should all look for the good. After all they are easy to love in the good times and much more difficult in the bad but they are still our gifts from God.

1. I love the way he is a great listener.
2. I love how safe I feel in his arms, even when fighting.
3. I love the way he is responsible.
4. I love when he sings love songs to me! AMAZING!
5. I love that he is my God given mate and he is committed today!

Thank God for the little things help me to see the positive even in the things that drive me crazy.

There were other ways this could have been said come on we have all done it.

1. I wish he would talk more.
2. Because I know he isn't out sleeping around (harsh but true)

See we could see the negative but take today to put it in the positive it will make the whole world a better place.

try it again...things that make you go HMM?

We recently bought a new puppy. He is a year old but only about 2 1/2 pounds. He is afraid of everything. We named him Samson (Hoping he would grow into it) He has a lot fo hair and I haven't cut it still he has no strength.
Then I have Furby she is an older dog who thinks she is as big as any dog in town, great danes are no exception (she is a Yorkie) still you start a vaccuum and that dog is out of here. Or the lawn mower send her crying to the back door. She appears to have no fear, then we find a weakness that she hides rather well.
Samson, however, he will chase the mower and the vaccum all day as long as he doesn't realize a person is the reason it is moving. He doesn't fear the machines he fears the operator.
Anyway, I do have a point actually, because watching these two the last couple days has been an eye opening moment with my father. I see my kids, Brittany will go with any stranger, Blake will play alone forever, but a stranger is out of the question.
I can jump out of a plane (after being told about cancer), bungee jump, rock climb and whatever other obstacle comes into my path, but the people in my life are what scare me. Turns out Samson and I have a lot in common.
God showed me that we all have fears. Different fears, some for a valid reason and some because of the unknown. For me that is what it is with people I don't know how they will respond so I am very friendly as long as you don't really want to KNOW me. My goal this summer is to start facing those fears because I think that to strengthen something that is causing me to become paralyzed will help me to grow stronger or at least trust my father to carry me through.
It will also help with all my past weeks of turmoil because God wants me to bring my hubby and I into his hands and leave us there. I know there is great risk because he will allow free will, but the rewards are great. He doesn't want to hurt me, that is why I wasn't afraid to jump at about 10,000 feet (we had a guest pilot that day.) I need to put my marriage into God's hands and the other things that I let stumble me, put on the parachute and jump trusting God with everything. Am I scared, yes, but I have friends and people in my life who have different fears and I above all have the Lord so although the fall could hurt (should the string not work) it could be some of the most beautiful things I ever see, when I finally quit screaming and just open my eyes.
I challenge everyone to face at least one fear you have this week. Take the ride of your life. A little secret about sky diving, after in all that clothing, inevitably you have to use the restroom, and the man strapped to me said, "Have no fear", when I asked why? he said, "your system locks up you will be fine until we land!" Off we went. It did by the way feel as if it locked up but when we landed everything returned to normal. So face that challenge, that thing that scares you and open your eyes, during the fall everything locks up and after it is normal but better than normal because you have the experience that some will only dream about!

Things that make you go HMMM!!

weekends

The weekends are the hardest, but I thank God I will be in his hands this weekend and he will be my strength. School is out now, next week maybe I can be more creative. I will ponder what God has for me in addition to the things I know.

Seasons

I was thinking today what about the seasons remind me of God and my relationship with him.

Winter does because it is white and pure like Jesus. The diamonds that lay on top of a fresh fallen snow are beautiful, but nothing compared to what is will be like to see Jesus. He is so much more beautiful then even that, and that is enough to take my breath away. Sadly the snow can show me the negative part of my walk with Christ too. The part where I leave his side or try to take care of myself and it is cold and dreary outside. The snow represents struggles, each snowflake can be something different and when finished they can have devastating effect. They look pretty (sin is always fun or attractive or we wouldn’t fall) but they can stop us in our tracks if Jesus isn’t melting us a path for us to continue. I love winter but especially when I feel warm because of Christ’s love for me.

Spring of course all the new life, especially here in Oklahoma. There are foals on every corner it seems, baby skunks usually running occasionally unsuccessfully across the road, since all the babies. It keeps me thinking about what is still young in my life and what is maturing. It shows God’s loves us so much he brings future generations even to the animals. Sometimes the weather is so nice I lose my focus on the nice things in the spring, I love the weather so much, I forget how important it is to be responsible and continue moving forward and I get stagnant enjoying things as they are. Then the spring storms even tornado’s come in to wake me up and bring God back into the picture if I lost focus of him as I did time. Each thing in life has a season and usually within those seasons there are both good and bad happenings. Luckily all that new life in the spring reminds me of all God’s promises.

Summer is the warmth of God’s love. The sun is shining and it puts light on all the good and bad things in my life. There are bright colors and a lot of yard work. Still, I love the sun it reminds me of the warmth of his love and the “EXTREME” heat I feel when I am straying from his path. Sometimes it is so hot I know what the fire of hell might be like (or a inth of a degree) it gets really hot here in Oklahoma. I sweat it out at times just like paths that we travel in life, but I know I will be safe in the warmth of his love.

Fall is a time to shed the old and await for the new changes God brings. The leaves change then fall off. The old things in my life does that at various times. First the change happens like the color of the leaves and the color of the issues I am having. Then they mature and fall of to make room for what God plans for next year. It is cool, but not to cold it is a safe time to adapt to new situations and make changes.

Not all things happen in these seasons but just a reflection of how I compare life with the seasons. As long as we are growing we are still alive no matter what the season. However, if we chose to quit growing we are no longer living. We should challenge ourselves to a new season everyday.

Who am I

My husband is going through that mid-life crisis thing. You know a man's answer to menopause. It hurts so very deep. It hurt so much that last week I lost all perspective. I decided my friend who died last summer had the right idea; she had it pretty good now. I remembered all the things the counselor told me about how I couldn’t stop it that is why she didn’t answer the phone that day when I called etc. I knew I had to be strong in order to do it. I had it all planned the right place, the right person to find me, no scars for the kids (yes I thought my death wouldn’t be a big deal as long as they didn’t see me that way).
Anyway, then I realized the man I love here on this earth more than any other “HUMAN BEING” was whom Satan was using to destroy me. He has said horrible things to me about mistakes I have made in the past. I used to really struggle with anger. Okay, some days I still do but God is working through it and how I handle it is so much more productive for everyone involved. He is so good. Still, my husband’s unpredictable mother treated him poorly. This anger made his in his mind think that I too am not dependable. I started feeling immense guilt about the hurt I caused him and it made me cry and beg but he just is withdrawing farther and farther for now. This bought me thoughts of suicide.
I thought I am so bad this man can’t love me. He doesn’t care how I feel, he doesn’t want me, and I have to change that. Thankfully a friend revealed I am acting like he is the only one who is worthy. God made me too and I too have value. That value is not based on who my husband is and it isn’t solely because I am some perfect woman. God created me to be who I am. He even knew I would have struggles with anger, he didn’t decide not to make me he decided to make me anyway. It has been a long time since I yelled like I used too, but the scars run deep. I hurt him and I am sorry but I am still a child of God and my love for myself is returning because of knowing who I am in the father.
I know that regardless what happens and how much it hurts, God is my father, my creator, and the peace in my life. He is my provider, my healer, and my lover. He is everything I am and I have ever been. So, should Kevin decide he can’t live with his scars and he is bound in that un-forgiveness I ask that God love him and heal him from the part I played in this but also to help me forgive me and turn my gray world to sky blue again. I want my marriage, but I want to show my God that I am proud of whom he made in spite of everything and I will do my best to be my best.
This wasn’t very clear but my point is that we are all what God planned for us to be. Maybe we haven’t found that calling or that perfect world, but we are what we are supposed to be and don’t let Satan rob that truth from you like I almost did. How would my healing testimony affect people if I had chosen to die that fateful day? God gives us worth not people on earth. Thank you Father for your love and faithfulness.

Just another manic monday

This is going to be an interesting week. My husband of 11 ½ years went to Reno on business in the early part of Mother’s Day. When he leaves I text message him telling him I miss him and I dropped his mother a card off. We send a few messages back and forth, when he decides it is making him crazy.
He is actually frustrated because his flight was postponed, but as a wife I get the brunt of it. He leaves me, with a dishwasher full of dirty dishes (reminding me to thank God I have a dishwasher), all his dirty clothes in the hamper that I emptied last night by doing the laundry (reminding me to thank God I have a washing machine), he fixes breakfast pizza and leaves everything for me to clean (reminding me to thank God he can cook) and then when I send him what I plan to do this afternoon he sends me a list of things to pick up at the store for him. He is in the middle of a Mid-Life crisis I am sure, but it is finals week for my kids in school, I am doing it alone and this all is very frustrating.
So, as I sit down to ask God why all this is happening at the same time in my life, I remember I am not alone I have my father above, those two precious children he has loaned me and a counselor to help me out through these incredibly tough times. I am still a little miffed at what happened, but I am so thankful that God will be faithful and I continue to pray a hedge or protection around my marriage and my family. I am gonna make it I just wish it wasn’t so lonely in my flesh. Thankfully I still have God. Thanks for everyone’s prayers! Staying strong and organized until Wednesday at least.

my daughter is so good :0

My blog is below but I wanted to attach this today too.

This poem is by my insightful 15-year-old daughter it was recently published and I just thought it was thought provoking and I wanted to share.




In One Moment

In one moment everything you’ve ever known can change into the unknown
In one moment things can happen that no one will be able to understand
In one moment people can take away your innocence
In one moment your whole world can come crashing down around you.
In one moment you could tell a lie that can cause part of someone else to die
In one moment romance can begin
In one moment a heart can be broken
In one moment millions of people can be killed
In one moment you can make your dreams come true
In one moment you can lose the only person who ever meant anything to you
In one moment someone can commit suicide without even thinking twice
In one moment you can save someone’s life
In one moment you can say something that you can never take back
In one moment you can shatter someone’s trust in you
In one moment you can make the biggest mistake of your life
In one moment you can make an everlasting memory
In one moment you can exceed expectations
In one moment you can find out what is waiting around the bend
In one moment you have to decide what your destiny will be because—
In one moment your whole life can come to a shocking end and you won’t be able to come back again.

For a season

I have really had a downer week. I have analyzed so much I am thinking I need to change my job title. The problem is I am only counseling my multiple personalities (just a joke, I think). Oh wait I guess since I am trying to please my hubby and his many moods I am counseling his truly multiple personality disorder. In the past couple days people have asked me what I am willing to accept, how much I can tolerate before deciding to leave. I still don’t have the words for this, because I can’t stay in one thought long enough, and because there is no right answer (which is why I am not a philosopher) I need answers, even if they are wrong they are a place to start. Still, after so many asked I had to ponder in the short term what can I tolerate that won’t permanently harm my kids future by thinking this is normal. I say short term because long term is to far away right now.
Then it happened, I was remind by my loving father that this will pass, after all his promises say there is a time for everything and this to shall pass. Again I wish I had more details like when it passes will I be okay with what happens. I know I will because God loves me and I am his child and he is doing what is best for me. I can’t help but wonder though what if what is best for me isn’t best for Kevin or maybe the kids how can he give us an answer that works for all of us. I love my husband so much (the one I know him to be that is, not the rabid dog he is at the “fleeting” moment) and I can tolerate anything if it will better him in the outcome I have no doubt I am already becoming a better person because I am in so much pain I must be growing. Do you know cancer is better than relationships, because you can take a pill or a port and get better or go to heaven (the only way out is up) but with relationships there is no medicine. Although I must admit I thought about serving Zoloft as an appetizer tonight. I can’t believe I just said that. Then I remembered his problem is he already can name his feelings and this might be working against myself. Anyway, I love him and I didn’t get married to quit. This definitely is going to hurt me more than him, but for now I am sticking it out with the mercy from God above. Now I am not some saint by any means I just know that this too is a season and we were so good before if God is working to perfect us maybe this molding time we are going through will make us even better. I am holding onto that prayer. I am praying for revelation for him and me (bad grammar probably) and I am enduring one minute at a time. Thanks for everyone’s support.
Oh yeah that blessing I am finding everyday is coming in weird today, but one I found out just like when I had cancer I slept 80 hours a day, according to my son. I can also function on less then four in a week. I like it this way, because my house is getting cleaner every day. Sleep is seeming more and more like a waste of time. I am grateful I am continuing in the strength of the Lord like never before. I am thankful my husband didn’t die the other morning when he had his episode and that I have a husband I can love. Oh and I am soooo thankful for all of my amazing friends and family.

The colors in my world

We have had so much rain lately in our lives it is amazing. Still it was easy for me to find the thing that is a blessing to me in the everyday mundane life. It is the “RAINBOW”. I have loved them since I was a little girl. Some people now days think it is a representation of gays or something, but for me it is a representation of a promise. The promise we won’t be flooded again. This opened up a thought for me. I am been flooded with tears so much these past few days I can’t eat, sleep, and even breathe right now. I paused today to see my rainbow. It is many colors just like the real one. My sister is purple (I know she likes green-but I didn’t call her yellow she will be happy to know). Anyway, she is purple because it brings brightness to my world when the rest is too dark. She knows my dark sides and she lets God work on those and yet she encourages me. She isn’t like red that is too bright at times because it wants me to feel what I don’t she is just bright enough and I can never decide when people ask me my favorite primary color I always choose Royal Blue or Red and purple is a combination of my two favorites.
The Yellow in my world is my son. He can brighten any room in the world. I call him my conscience but I love that about him because he keeps me on my toes and lightens any room he enters, without even knowing it is just like the sun it is what he does. Thank God for the sunshine.
Blue is my mom because she can make me feel cheery and bright but at times she can make me feel sad too. Blue does both these things depending on the shade, in sign language you actually sign the colors with the same sign in different manners to represent the blue that is there and that is how it is with my mom. You know what though I know she loves me and I will always know that. She is sometimes tough like denim, or cheery like royal blue or light blue when she is disappointed with something. I love her. She is an awesome mom who always did the best she could with all she had I only hope my kids think I am as good as her when I go.
Red would have to be my friend Cristi. She cheers me without even trying. Sometimes I bleed for more time with her and she can’t provide it but the time she gives is always uplifting. She loves me through the struggles and reminds me of Christ’s blood and how I should remember it and what it means to me. She always loves pink a lighter shade of red. This is the gentleness in her and the way she presents the information. She is busy like red and wants me to feel good when I can, but understands when I don’t as well. She understands my desire to feel this bright and uplift like this and yet knows why sometimes I can’t.
Green would have to be my daughter. Wow! She is not a green in anyway that you might think of the color. She is fresh though. She is like the new growth in spring. Always coming up with a way to change the ideas in the room. Not afraid to stand up for what she believes as long as I am not looking over her shoulder. She is green with envy when she tells my sister how beautiful she thought I was as a child and yet I don’t see it she is far more beautiful then me. Someday when she finishes maturing I hope she sees the beauty of her greenness. That sounds weird but green has a language of it’s own and so does B (that’s what we call her) it is beautiful when no one thinks it can be, it is dark with judgment whether it is judging herself (not in a bad way, but you know what I mean) she knows what she wants in life and although it hurts when people don’t believe in her she shines bright like the yellow in her own way, cheery like red because of her smile, silly like blue when she is unpredictable, but a combination of all good like purple.
So as my marriage is falling apart at the moment or so it seems I am grateful for the rainbow of support I have in life. I love them all for their uniqueness and how well they blend when together. I hate that I am in pain but I am glad I see the things I have to love and be grateful for. Thanks you God for giving me the rainbow to make my day shine even if it is a dark thunderstorm.
Okay, so I think I win the book of Guinness world records for the longest post but I had too. Not funny, just real. So go out and have a Real Day! Be happy with who you are even if the world wants to change you. You are exactly who God created you to be! See you all tomorrow or because I am feeling inspired maybe later today!!! For now Good-bye Blogdom!

Another Day

My home life has been crazy. Then God kindly pointed out to me (through
a friend) that it is easy to look to others to meet our needs. Still
just like I would do anything to protect my kids or my marriage and I
get jealous (I know not Godly) still I do when women try to trap my
family I drop in and let them no its not allowed.
God is also a jealous God. Not in a fleshly way or a bad way but he
will do whatever he needs to in order to get us to refocus on him. I'm
not sure if I completely lost focus but I do know it never hurts to go
to him more in a day or spend more time with him. So in the midst of
the tears, occassional insane laughter and stress I'm trying to not
stray but focus on him.
My blessing for today is that my family is here for me even when we
don't get along; also, when my son came to me yesterday and said, "mom
tomorrow is another new day and it might even be better. I love you and
will see you in the morning." He made me smile when all I could feel was
numb. Thank you God for the gift of my kids and family. I may not
understand them always but I love them just the same and I'm grateful
you picked us to go together.
Michelle

Love truly is blind...what's up with that?

You know we've all heard that cliche love is blind. Recently because
of the disagreement with my husband I know there are many meanings to
that. I mean when new lovers hurt us we can't see it, when a baby is
becoming spoiled it isn't worth stressing over we are blind to it.
Then there is the thought of when someone loves you so much they want
to take care of you and you think its control not love. You are blind
to that love. We think it can't be simply because they care for us we
are blind to the love they feel for us.
Still yet, there is Gods love and blessings that happen everyday in
our life. We say we love God and that we know he's good but we close
our eyes to the loving people he places in our lives, the hurdles that
are to teach us through his love. We call them trials and problems,
stree etc. Still, God is a loving God I am working on seeing his love
in the tough times now too. I challenge you the next time you face a
trial seek out the love it is occurring through. Maybe that trial is
really a loving gesture, from God, husbands, wives, or kids. Maybe
being late really is better because of traffic then being that first guy
in a hurry that crashed and died because he was hurrying and we were
spared the death, but written up for being late which is better. I hope
my perspective for the rest of the week is love and loving gifts and I
am going to try to blog at least one I notice everyday.
Today's love came when I was hedging and lost my balance. I cut my
body with tree branches, sprained my wrist on the brick wall, but God
spared my limbs (arms you know I need those for my interpreting dream)and as a loving gesture and lesson my husband saw me go to the doctor simply because I love him a lesson he couldn't hear until he was in my place. I still don't know if he heard it but at least I did the right thing.

Trying to Understand

This last week my husband who generally is very sweet, just quiet, had oral surgery. Apparently when they removed his impacted wisdon teeth they removed his wisdom with it...I can't believe I said that. Anyway, this was on Wednesday then thursday I woke up and he sat down to talk to me. this was after 5-7 inches of rain flooded our area and neighbors houses (it fell in 1 1/2 hours)scaring my son and bringing him into bed with me (since Kevin was sleeping in a chair sitting up) anyway later he returned to talk and lay down when he fell back into what I believed to be either a heart attack as I thought he was dying in my arms gasping for air etc. Or a seizure. Guess what, we still don't know because he refused to go to teh doctor when he came too. Although I am now sure it wa a seizure.
Many things he said following that event, he denies saying. Although, they were hurtful and I know he said them. It is like he doesn't remember. All of that I could have lived with but because I forced him to ride with me to his work that he insisted on going too. I was crying because I wanted him to go home and rest but he refused calling me his mommy that drove him to work etc. It just got worse to where we couldn't even talk anymore. After all of this, I asked what are you saying do you not want to be married to me because I loved you so much I wanted you to seek medical help? His reply was simply, "I don't know."
Well naturally we went to counseling through the church, and they said I have to learn to let my husband be turned over to God. Him going to the doctor was up to him not me. I can see that to some degree, but I didn't feel he was in his right mind. Does the bible not also say that he is supposed to lay down his life for his wife like Christ did the church? Not to mention I feel like he showed my son it is okay no matter how upset your wife is to deny her what she is asking of you. It isn't like I was asking him to take the day off and have a lazy day (although the doctor did tell him to do that) I wanted him simply to go to the doctor and let them decide what happened. I love this man so much. I wanted him to take care of himself. I went to years and years of chemo, transfusions, hyperthermia (a blood treatment) and so on to fight my cancer and be here for him and yet he is not sure he wants to be married to me because I wanted him to go to the doctor? What do I do, how can I understand this? I am leaning on God's understanding but as a wife I can't force him to stay if I can't get him to go to the doctor how can I convince him he wants to be married? Marriage wasn't invented so we could just quit when it didn't feel right it was invented to have companionship here on earth until death do us part. I am hurting and confused and I feel empty. If you have words of wisdom feel free to share, otherwise thanks for listening to my really depressing blog!

Tagged answers

I AM a leader and motivating child of God

I hope this is how I was supposed to answer!
I am who God says I am.

I want my husband learn how to chat!

I wish I’d win justice for all

I hate meaness in people.

I miss my kids being little.

I hear the computer noises.

I wonder if I will ever get my next level in Interpreting.

I regret yelling in anger.

I am not finished with life today.

I dance but only to country.

I sing whatever lifts my spirits for the moment!

I cry frequently but my ocunselor says this is good and better than anger by far.

I am not confident.

I make with my hands conversation!

I write letter as much as I can.

I confuse myself often, but it has taught me to laugh at myself too.

I need a time-out once a week but I get it about once a month.

I should pursue my destiny but I am not sure I have the energy anymore.

I start communication whenever I have an opportunity.

I finish work related tasks to feel completed.


Happy Monday!