For a season

I have really had a downer week. I have analyzed so much I am thinking I need to change my job title. The problem is I am only counseling my multiple personalities (just a joke, I think). Oh wait I guess since I am trying to please my hubby and his many moods I am counseling his truly multiple personality disorder. In the past couple days people have asked me what I am willing to accept, how much I can tolerate before deciding to leave. I still don’t have the words for this, because I can’t stay in one thought long enough, and because there is no right answer (which is why I am not a philosopher) I need answers, even if they are wrong they are a place to start. Still, after so many asked I had to ponder in the short term what can I tolerate that won’t permanently harm my kids future by thinking this is normal. I say short term because long term is to far away right now.
Then it happened, I was remind by my loving father that this will pass, after all his promises say there is a time for everything and this to shall pass. Again I wish I had more details like when it passes will I be okay with what happens. I know I will because God loves me and I am his child and he is doing what is best for me. I can’t help but wonder though what if what is best for me isn’t best for Kevin or maybe the kids how can he give us an answer that works for all of us. I love my husband so much (the one I know him to be that is, not the rabid dog he is at the “fleeting” moment) and I can tolerate anything if it will better him in the outcome I have no doubt I am already becoming a better person because I am in so much pain I must be growing. Do you know cancer is better than relationships, because you can take a pill or a port and get better or go to heaven (the only way out is up) but with relationships there is no medicine. Although I must admit I thought about serving Zoloft as an appetizer tonight. I can’t believe I just said that. Then I remembered his problem is he already can name his feelings and this might be working against myself. Anyway, I love him and I didn’t get married to quit. This definitely is going to hurt me more than him, but for now I am sticking it out with the mercy from God above. Now I am not some saint by any means I just know that this too is a season and we were so good before if God is working to perfect us maybe this molding time we are going through will make us even better. I am holding onto that prayer. I am praying for revelation for him and me (bad grammar probably) and I am enduring one minute at a time. Thanks for everyone’s support.
Oh yeah that blessing I am finding everyday is coming in weird today, but one I found out just like when I had cancer I slept 80 hours a day, according to my son. I can also function on less then four in a week. I like it this way, because my house is getting cleaner every day. Sleep is seeming more and more like a waste of time. I am grateful I am continuing in the strength of the Lord like never before. I am thankful my husband didn’t die the other morning when he had his episode and that I have a husband I can love. Oh and I am soooo thankful for all of my amazing friends and family.