Who am I

My husband is going through that mid-life crisis thing. You know a man's answer to menopause. It hurts so very deep. It hurt so much that last week I lost all perspective. I decided my friend who died last summer had the right idea; she had it pretty good now. I remembered all the things the counselor told me about how I couldn’t stop it that is why she didn’t answer the phone that day when I called etc. I knew I had to be strong in order to do it. I had it all planned the right place, the right person to find me, no scars for the kids (yes I thought my death wouldn’t be a big deal as long as they didn’t see me that way).
Anyway, then I realized the man I love here on this earth more than any other “HUMAN BEING” was whom Satan was using to destroy me. He has said horrible things to me about mistakes I have made in the past. I used to really struggle with anger. Okay, some days I still do but God is working through it and how I handle it is so much more productive for everyone involved. He is so good. Still, my husband’s unpredictable mother treated him poorly. This anger made his in his mind think that I too am not dependable. I started feeling immense guilt about the hurt I caused him and it made me cry and beg but he just is withdrawing farther and farther for now. This bought me thoughts of suicide.
I thought I am so bad this man can’t love me. He doesn’t care how I feel, he doesn’t want me, and I have to change that. Thankfully a friend revealed I am acting like he is the only one who is worthy. God made me too and I too have value. That value is not based on who my husband is and it isn’t solely because I am some perfect woman. God created me to be who I am. He even knew I would have struggles with anger, he didn’t decide not to make me he decided to make me anyway. It has been a long time since I yelled like I used too, but the scars run deep. I hurt him and I am sorry but I am still a child of God and my love for myself is returning because of knowing who I am in the father.
I know that regardless what happens and how much it hurts, God is my father, my creator, and the peace in my life. He is my provider, my healer, and my lover. He is everything I am and I have ever been. So, should Kevin decide he can’t live with his scars and he is bound in that un-forgiveness I ask that God love him and heal him from the part I played in this but also to help me forgive me and turn my gray world to sky blue again. I want my marriage, but I want to show my God that I am proud of whom he made in spite of everything and I will do my best to be my best.
This wasn’t very clear but my point is that we are all what God planned for us to be. Maybe we haven’t found that calling or that perfect world, but we are what we are supposed to be and don’t let Satan rob that truth from you like I almost did. How would my healing testimony affect people if I had chosen to die that fateful day? God gives us worth not people on earth. Thank you Father for your love and faithfulness.