who knows

A prophet spoke at a revival at church tonight my daughter went I didn't and he doesn't know us he is from another part of the world and he said your family is being kicked while it is down, but God will gel you back together again. He didn't say what we would go through or how long it would take but he said God would.

Then I talked to Kevin and he told me he couldn't take it anymore he was leaving me, He already had taken his check out of the bank this morning. I still have money to get by with and he says he will take care of us, but he also said he would never leave. I am not sure what to do right now but God and the Holy spirit are guiding me in my every move.

Please pray because this is not what I want and I am so saddened by it I can't tell you. I know God brought us together I can't believe he doesn't. I am so scared. My son can't believe this is happening to him and neither can I. Lord please lift these burdens.

Til Death do us part

Okay, so all of you who read my sister's blog now know that I fell. I lost something I am not sure what it is. I know I have God and I so badly wanted to be in his arms, not having to face my mistakes or mess up my kids or my husband anymore. At the time it did seem like it was a good idea. Shortly after I took the pills on a system full of Vodka I felt my pressure begin to drop and I told my husband who had watched me take them that I didn't want to die, the pills were expired and would I be alright? He said I would be fine. So my attempt to get his attention or die or whatever it was wasn't going to happen. I am sorry I am sorry to Kim, my parents, my family and my kids, and a lot to my husband who I still wishes I would have suceeded. He says no but his actions say yes. When, he came to the mental ward to meet with the family contact thing he said he was willing to love me and take care of me all I had to do was ask. They then let me go and in the parking lot I asked him for a hug where he just sighed. I said you just said you could do that and he said did you want me to tell them what I really thought or get out of there. He doesn't care about me at all, yet I know God put us together and at this point I refuse to give up. Just pray for us and how to grow us so I can focus on staying well with medication for depression. I never want to go back to that place again. Thanks for everyone's kind words and prayers.

Wednesday

I am taking control of my life again and let me tell you it isn't pretty. I am not even talking about the 50 plus pounds I am going to lose. I am talking about how it seems I have either lost sight of God's plans for me or I have such a good look it seems too much to bear giving me the desire to get out while the getting is good.

Here are the things I did only work two days this week and I am walking the track with my son at lunch getting us both in better shape. I know God put kevin and I together and I have to believe in Jer 29:11 and know that I want Kevin back but God knows what is best for us both and he loves us both so it is possible for now I can't have him back. I mean we are still married and saying divorce isn't an option but it isn't a happy place when he is here. I am happy because I am with him and he hates that I guess he feels responsible for me or something. Who knows and frankly I don't care so it is a good thing God does because he is shutting every other thing and person out. I know my goal as a wife is to please my father and the things I do have to be based in that. I am to be a loving wife, but I also have to stay in God's will and the things Kevin wants right now aren't there or even close. I have to follow my God and not his confusion. I am sad for him and it is so hard to be nice when he is a jerk, but I know when I am I am a joy to my father and I must stay in that. Remembering that all I do on earth is for God, not me not Kevin and not anyone else. This is very difficult for me, but I am doing it every day. Not in every task most likely but a little more each day and maturing in his love.

I have lost sight of my dreams and stuff right now but I think this tragedy is bringing me closer to the kids every day. I know this isn't even close to over and sometimes trials go on for years but with the love of God I will make it through one way or another. Please pray for Friday we have marriage counseling and I have to tell her about his threats of suicide and his comments. I know this will upset him but I lost one friend because no one spoke of her silly thoughts and I won't lose my husband to death. If he leaves me I guess I will survive but I won't live with his death on my shoulders because I thought he would be fine. Nothing is at it seems and not telling seems like my worst enemy right now. I am scared, he could lose his job, he will probably leave me at least for a little while, they could hospitalize him making our income nill, but I can't let him kill himself because of my selfish fears. God protect us and help him to be real Friday. I am patiently awaiting his touch in my married life.

Thanks everyone. By the way it was a tumor but it is not malignant this time! PTL!

MADE IT!

I made it to another day! How exciting. I mean things in my life are crazy but I didn't make it to today and that is something for me to rejoice in right now. My husband was here last night and was actually civil to both me and the kids.

My daughter became proactvie and when he left for work this morning she went to him and hugged him and said I love you dad. She did this because she knew he wouldn't and she needed him to know and maybe he needed to know. I am not sure what is in their relationship but I know it is crazy.

God gave me a revelation this morning that if I stay in love, rooted in love that it doesn't matter where my hubby's hurts are from God can heal them and he can use me as a tool. It isn't easy I will confess, but nothing worth doing or having usually is easy. So, for today not only did I make it but I am lifted in God's love and blessing and I am believing in the power of God and the Holy Spirit and I know today will be good.

Let go Let God cont...

Well interestingly enough and as we all know God is always at work. Don't get me wrong all of my lifes crisis are the same, but I see God in everyday. Last week my sister wrote about letting go and letting God and I decided to follow her lead, then at Bible Study Sunday night we were asked what stuck out in the chapter to us the most and my hubby said I guess it was when he was talking about letting God handle things, he went on to say it is the old saying let go let God that comes to mind. It was so wild. For a moment I thought maybe he had been on my blog. He isn't changing fast enough for me, but I know God is shaking him and us so he can perfect our relationship with him and then with each other. I hope we start learning quicker because this has been awful. Not only am I in the wilderness I am there without my best friend to talk to about the trials I encounter.

I pray in the spirit much more than ever before and take rest in that comforter God provided. One day I was doing it so much while my son was there I explained to him what it was. Later, that week he came to me and said are you still talking to the spirit world? I had to laugh, I explained again what that is about and he said well I think it is working dad seemed nicer to me today and he didn't even yell at you. It was so precious.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayer I know I am in a battle in my mind along with the spiritual things around us, because like alcoholics take one day at a time and never promise tomorrow,,,I am taking life one day at a time and right now I can't promise anyone tomorrow. Thank goodness I have God and a counselor here on earth, not to mention the love of friends and family.

See you later!