Wednesday

I am taking control of my life again and let me tell you it isn't pretty. I am not even talking about the 50 plus pounds I am going to lose. I am talking about how it seems I have either lost sight of God's plans for me or I have such a good look it seems too much to bear giving me the desire to get out while the getting is good.

Here are the things I did only work two days this week and I am walking the track with my son at lunch getting us both in better shape. I know God put kevin and I together and I have to believe in Jer 29:11 and know that I want Kevin back but God knows what is best for us both and he loves us both so it is possible for now I can't have him back. I mean we are still married and saying divorce isn't an option but it isn't a happy place when he is here. I am happy because I am with him and he hates that I guess he feels responsible for me or something. Who knows and frankly I don't care so it is a good thing God does because he is shutting every other thing and person out. I know my goal as a wife is to please my father and the things I do have to be based in that. I am to be a loving wife, but I also have to stay in God's will and the things Kevin wants right now aren't there or even close. I have to follow my God and not his confusion. I am sad for him and it is so hard to be nice when he is a jerk, but I know when I am I am a joy to my father and I must stay in that. Remembering that all I do on earth is for God, not me not Kevin and not anyone else. This is very difficult for me, but I am doing it every day. Not in every task most likely but a little more each day and maturing in his love.

I have lost sight of my dreams and stuff right now but I think this tragedy is bringing me closer to the kids every day. I know this isn't even close to over and sometimes trials go on for years but with the love of God I will make it through one way or another. Please pray for Friday we have marriage counseling and I have to tell her about his threats of suicide and his comments. I know this will upset him but I lost one friend because no one spoke of her silly thoughts and I won't lose my husband to death. If he leaves me I guess I will survive but I won't live with his death on my shoulders because I thought he would be fine. Nothing is at it seems and not telling seems like my worst enemy right now. I am scared, he could lose his job, he will probably leave me at least for a little while, they could hospitalize him making our income nill, but I can't let him kill himself because of my selfish fears. God protect us and help him to be real Friday. I am patiently awaiting his touch in my married life.

Thanks everyone. By the way it was a tumor but it is not malignant this time! PTL!