recovering as always :)

I won't know anything for a few days about my tests except how incredible sore I am. When you have bone taps and spine taps regularily it doesn't seem as rough but when you have been away awhile it hurts. It made me think about my life. I mean how much it hurts when you let something build and build and only take care of it when there is an emergency or a requirement and the rest the time I tend to just "get by". Then the hurts or struggles build up or something major happens and I realize I wasn't dealing with things at the time they needed to be, and guess what they don't go away and sometimes they even become worse.

As my husband prepares to move until the kids and I are ready to go in a couple years I pray we don't let things build but instead we work through them if anything should arise. He leaves either tommorrow night or Monday morning so for tonight I will go watch the college teams we love as a family and cheer them on as we cuddle on the couch.

As for my health I am not scared I know God is in control and sometimes until the lesson is truly learned we walk in circles. If I am sick it is circle I am walking and if I am still well it is a circle of faith I am walking in. I am not strong enough to cope with this, but I know through God's incredible love and grace no matter what me and my family will be alright. Especially if we are focusing on him and not the fear or the disease.

See ya,
Michelle

one week and counting

Wow! It has been awhile again. I actually think when Kevin is gone although I will be busy I might be a little more organized. It is hard to fit all this in along with trying to work as much as possible until Kevin leaves since I will be more limited at that time. Anyway, it is Tuesday and here I am.

K leaves in a little less than one week. I think he plans on leaving next Sunday. I can't believe this is really happening. It is so strange, I think I have peace one minute and the next I feel like total chaos. There is a part of me that wants to go with him right now, and then there is a part that thinks I only want that because I don't lean totally on God and that this seperation will be good for my relationship with the Lord. Often I have to face the fact that I depend as much or more on my uhbby than I do on God and guess what...God, is actually a better safehaven. I know you all know that and so do I but sometimes I need a reminder and so I put it i nwords, this is one of those times and maybe it will help one of you to see it again too?!

So what are my reservations? Well, we did this when he took his job here we lived apart except on weekends for about 17 months altogether but there were 7 then 5 together then 10 apart until we finished our house here. Anyway, when we did this we fought a lot because he would come home to micro-manage my parenting when he wasn't here during the week, and when he would come in although it was nice to have help the schedule and routine was shot. Also, we became very independant. That can be both good and bad, it was like we didn't need each other anymore so when we fought we walked away because we knew we would be apart again in a few days so oh well. Then we weren't because we were living together again and we did survive it, but I am not sure our marriage is strong enough this time to do that. Not to mention he has faithfulness issues, and being away makes it easier. I know I know it was easy this time and I was living with him. Trust me God and I have gone over and over all of this, but I needed to face it and ask for continued prayer from you all.

I also don't like living alone and that is a little scary, plus the extra expenses, I guess I am scared and I know his perfect love can cast all that out, I wish I could rant here forever on the good and bad but I have to go to work. Let me tell all of you thank you for the prayers, always even when there isn't a struggle. I know God is in this things are working together a little too nice for his hand to not be here, but still I am rebuking fear frequently. I will write more later, on the positive side of it and why I know this is the right thing for him. (Kevin him)

My challenge today is to not only find joy in the bad times but also peace. Oh one more thing, I hoep what is said in the blog stays in the blog (KIMBERLY) but my platelets are very low and white count is up quite a bit I think I have a virus, but Satan likes to tease me with the idea of cancer and I go for some more testing Thursday so just keep that in your hearts. Nobody until now knows this, I want it to stay that way until I have good news.

Thanks ya'll have a great day!!! Be blessed after all we sit in the palm of God's hands there is no better place to be.

AMEN!!!

Loving Life

Finally Friday! Who hoo! I have been so busy at work and doing things for the kids that the weekend will be a nice relief. Usually the kids keep me busy on the weekends but since K is leaving in a couple weeks they are his all the time when he is at home.

We went to marriage counseling on Wednesday and what a downer. Of course she also doesn't think it is a good idea that we don't live together for two years. What I don't get is what happened to he is the grown up and the teenager is a teenager. Am I excited about him being gone? No! At least not most the time (did I say that out loud)? Still, we have been struggling off and on for awhile and when he isn't here I don't think about it as much and I know independence can be an ugly thing when abused but it can also bring joy to the time we get together when done right. Am I crazy? Oh wait, that is beside the point. Anyway, he said some mean things to me there, that I never even knew he felt and I was so glad when I was called to interpret on Thursday and Friday because it helped me recover and not respond in anger. Still, I am hurt. Wow, my thoughts are all over the place, hence why I am not a writer.

Thanks everyone for the prayers, I am sure we wil need them. We already do. We always do! His birthday is Sunday pray we get through it without a hitch because right now nothing is that simple.

Michelle

Wednesday

Don't you think everyone should wed on Wednesday? I mean it is in the middle of the week but it starts with WED! How much better does it get.

My husband is moving to a small town in a couple weeks to start a new job and he has to make a few decisions. He has to decide if he wants to spend his alst week at his old job or if he wants a fresh start after spending a week with the kids and I. This separation will last two years. The scariest part is that I am okay with it. I think depending on God completely and not on mad at all will be good for me, and I think that seeing myself do it without him will be equally as good. Even though I know too much independence makes me like him and that is something I don't want.

He got a job that is full of potential except it makes him unable to live with us and all the college days I had are a waste because there isn't anything close as far as work goes. Why am I doing it? I don't know I keep telling myself because God says I should support and submit to my husband but I think it is also because I need a break from him and all the trauma that seems to travel with him. I love him and asked him to for one thing and that was that he didn't tell anyone from his old wrok where he was going and he agreed, guess what? He told them all anyway. I am so sick of hurting this separation may be a sad break from him but it is a relief from the deceit that comes with him. He isn't able to tell me the truth I don't know what to think or how to care. I hope this isn't the beginning of the end, but God's will is going to prevail and I won't interupt.

Please pray for me and the kids I am a little scared and worn out as well I need to know that he is with me even though I feel all alone and I don't want to be in God's way so if I have to let him go to grow then such is such I can't hang on to a dead relationship anymore it is in God's hands and I am going to bed. AMEN!

Time flies

Wow! I can't believe it has been over a month since I have written and life has been so crazy I didn't even realize it until I got on here this afternoon. I can't even begin to catch everyone up so I will post a brief blog today and go from there.

I started thinking about where have I been and what have I been doing? When I realized having extra time is like winning the lottery, when people find out you have it they have a few ways for you to use a minute or two here and there, and friends come from out of nowhere ready to "borrow some of your time". My problem is I have never learned the gift of that word "NO!"

Don't get me wrong I love to do things for people. Especially my family, but I just need to remember even I have needs and limits and I can give as many minutes as I have, but I have to stop giving more than I can, coming home so warn out my family will eventually suffer. It is crazy you set out to do one thing and yet the complete opposite happens. I remember as a kid my mom would send me to my room to clean it and I would have it so much worse when I was in the middle then it even was in the beginning. It does improve but after some time (in my case a lot of time) and then finally I would be back on track and stop reading every paper, sharpening every pencil etc. I would focus on the goal and get with it. I guess I need to learn this skill with my minutes too.

I guess my goal is to make sure that I do what God wants me to do in a day and I know wearing myself down til the kids get more minutes but less quality isn't the way. Still, it will be a struggle, yet somehow that is my goal for this year. I have a junior in high school that will soon leave me and a boy in 4th grade that is becoming more independent every day, so I will focus on making less minutes count rather than more minutes that are void to them. This wil be a tougher goal as y husband has recently accepted a job in another city and we will no longer live together during the week. He is going to be there and I won't be moving until my daughter graduates. Crazy I know, but I believe it is God's plan.

Keep us in your prayers! I think we are going to need it for this bumpy ride.

Michelle