injustice

Okay, so tomorrow I will become "older" yet again. Only in years though as my siter will happily tell you maturing is something I believe to be optional. not in my walk with Christ but in y behavior, sometimes I just like to be young. I was born in Alaska so my aunt nicknamed me Eskimo Firecracker. Crazy! Although somewhat true. I am after all an eskimo, I would never be explosive like a firecracker though, I am beautiful (HEE). Okay so maybe I act alittle more explosive but I am beautiful in my fathers eyes.

I was readng the testimony I typed for you all last week and cried yet again. Even though I lived it at times I feel like it is still just a dream. A crazy dream. Although, when I get excited over getting a scab and not bleeding and I have a cold that lasts only 3 days and doesn't threaten me with something worse I know it was a life lesson and closer to a nightmare at many times then a dream.

Still, there was something I said in there that I want to elaborate on. It is the part about doing my children an injustice. My goal was to teach them that they can get through anything and that it often is a choice to go through the hard times, until God lifts the burden, or we turn it over to him whichever is more the case. However, in doing that I refused to let them see me weak. I never let them know how tough the really tough times were. I robbed them of that. I am not saying that I should have sit around and complained, but maybe with my eldest been a little more honest with what I was truly feeling (health wise and emotionally I am sure too). I guess that was one of the few times in my life I was quiet and in turn she has beocme more introverted. (That and the fact that my hubby is that same way) I journalled faithfully during that time and she writes all the time. I didn't realize how much she was watching me and how my being strong seems to caused her to think she has to pretend to be strong as well. She tries to spare me from any of her struggles.

My youngest knows I was sick, on the bad days when I could't get up he would say, my mommy has cancer today? and I would simply say "yes". I never told him why some days were worse then others or how to fight the different kinds of days, I tried not to let them see me cry in fear, or weakness. I tried to seem like everything was normal.

Normal is a funny word. for my kids normal was mom eating in her bedroom because the smell of food was to much to bear. Instead I could walk them into their classes or fix hair or even sit and read with them, but their sense of what a family is I think is forever changed. It makes me sad. For now that is I know God can take that and change it around and make it a good thing and I will patiently wait...okay I will wait for that time. My kids also didn't get to be held by mommy when they were sick because I coudn't risk it and if I got sick my baby would cry did I kill you mommy are you gonna die because of me? I giggled and said of course not, wondering if I did what would happen. I am soooooo grateful that isn't a fear anymore. See normal is as normal does.

I am jumping from topic to topic today I think it is because my age is causing me short term memory on where I was and where I am going I am just happy that I am still going. I am happy the kids won't suffer too much from my lack of informing them. I wish I had known what was the right amount to share and what was to much, but there was no book written on the right way to tech your family about cancer. I wil recommend one book on the topic for anyone who is going through this with small children. It is called, Becky and the Worry Cup. I don't usually like to recommend books about cancer because it is such a personal experience but it is a great one to read with them and it explains things that can be so scary for kids. Just check it out should you need too.

Have a great 4th of July and I will grow older and wiser tomorrow, but no one will ever know it but me!