let GOD!

I am leaving it to God this weekend! I know he is in control. I know he doesn't want us to be like this but I have to do what is right even when it doesn't feel God to me. I will focus on loving Kevin like Christ intended this weekend no matter how many more times he hurts me. God knows what the plan is I don't but I have to be faithful in my role in this and my role is to trust and do what is right even when it isn't payin goff. Please pray I can continue like this and I won't grow weary.
Thanks and God Bless everyone!

2 days in a row!

Okay, so I have been praying in the spirit constantly and I hear my spirit man inside of me confronting my every move, unlike ever before. I try to feel excited I know the challenge is finding joy in the moment but I am still at times very sad and I feel very defeated. I know God has won this war on earth. Still, it doesn't mean I feel victorious in every battle. I will be crying out to God and continuing to believe in Jer. 29:11 and wait. By the way have I told you that waiting is almost as challenging as change for me in life? :( Well, it is and especially when it is something so important to me.

I know I am here to serve God and do his will regardless I wonder if I will ever live up to that on a every moment by moment basis or if I will continue to fall short. Then, I remember I am trying I have come a long way and although the flechly things or people on this earth don't see it my father does, so for another day I will exist and be grateful for the life I have been given.

Not up lifting but I do hope everyone out in blogdom is blessed.

Sorry for the hold up!

Okay, so I am finally back and I think this time for good. The doctor is still running tests but it looks like there is a tumor which is at least operable (sp) if needed. We will know for sure as of Monday. Still, no signs of cancer really so I am trusting God that it is benign. Although as rough as life has been lately I am thinking that malignant is easier to deal with than a husband who hates every fiber of my being right now.

Kevin has been gone for going on the 4th week today. Every weekend was a flop at least half of it since he was gone. He or I one have been hurt or angry. He asked me a week ago why it is we bring out the worst in each other. WOW! Harsh I thought but I guess he has a right to his opinion. Still, that was the only sign he gave me that he was frustrated in some time.

Then, this weekend I went to my mom's where he has been staying during the week. At least coming home to for a couple hours a night. He is working 12 hour days most the time at the minimum 11. I hate that because he is setting a precendence that I can't live with when I get there, but I figure God has enough control over that I shouldn't worry that far into the future. Still, he says he only has 5 happy memories and we have been married 12 years. I am sure this is an attack from Satan and I know God has control, I also know we all have free will and I may never get him back. He says he doesn't want a divorce but how long can someone mistreat you before you wear thin in patience as well? I know 70x7 but I am not sure how well I do at this. I love him so much but I am so warn out. I will write more about this all tomorrow, but I wanted to get a head start on blogging again!

I am so tired but I thank God that I have him to take me through this and I will fervently be praying in the spirit till I can't anymore. :) Have a great Monday everyone!